HOW TO HARASS AIRLINE STAFF
According to my own unverifiable statistics, less than one percent of the world population has the luxury of traveling in an airplane sometime in their lives. Travel by air is a wonderful and very rewarding experience. This is because the airline staff treats passengers like a king, and you can treat them like your subjects. A jumbo jet plane can easily have about three hundred kings and twenty-five subjects. It is absolutely necessary for most of us to be able to get the maximum benefit out of this wonderful experience. The easiest way to get the maximum benefit is to get yourself fully serviced by the ever joyful, ever helpful airline staff, cabin crew, flight attendants, etc. Unlike any other travel industry, airline staffs are the only gentle animal species you can harass to the extreme and get away with it. That is because they have been trained to withstand extreme harassment by passengers. Besides, they dare not frown or feel annoyed at your absurd requests. It is the law of the flying land.
So we now present some useful tips on how to effectively harass airline staff. Please do not divulge this information to any airline staff.
If the airline rules require you to be present in the airport at least two hours before a takeoff for various necessary formalities, ensure that you reach there only fifteen minutes before takeoff and start a tantrum. Let them keep announcing your name on the public address system to their heart’s content. You have more important things to do than waste time in the airport.
Always carry more than twice the permissible luggage limits and start an argument near the check in counter. Never read the rules printed on the air tickets. They are just fillers.
Constantly grumble about how the service is better in the competitor’s airline. But, you always fly this airline because you are a very accommodating chap. Continue the grumbling till you reach your destination.
When the pilot instructs everyone to switch off their mobiles and electronic devices during takeoff for safety reasons, start calling your fiancée to tell her bye and continue to discussion till the air hostess comes and requests again.
If a flight is going to be delayed for some reason, catch the nearest airline staff and spill your guts out. Threaten to sue the airline to bankruptcy and insist on a chartered plane to ensure you reach your “Patience Pays” seminar on time.
If you are toilet or barf prone, always choose a window seat.
Ask the cabin crew whether it is okay to smoke in spite of a big board in the front stating “NO SMOKING”.
Always book connecting flights such that they are just half an hour separated from each other. This way you can enjoy the thrill of trying to catch the next flight in a busy airport, while your luggage is still being unloaded at the first.
When they issue a feedback form regarding their service, don’t fill anything. They know where they are failing, don’t they.
If the cabin crew is serving tea, ask for coffee. In case they are serving coffee, ask for tea. In case they are serving both, ask for lemon soda with a dash of exotic Mexican pepper. They have a supermarket back there.
If you are allergic to a certain type of lemon scented air freshener and the airline happens to use the exact brand in their toilets, then you are already a millionaire. Sue the airline for causing mental distress, lack of sensitivity to customer needs, and sheer ignorance of passenger health needs.
When the pilot instructs everyone to fasten his or her seat belts don’t bother. Continue reading the in flight magazine. Let the stewardess come and request again. They did mention personalized service in their brochures, didn’t they?
Get up every ten minutes to pick up something from your bag in the overhead locker.
Wish you a Safe and Happy Flight
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Thejendra BS is an IT manager and author from Bangalore, India. He scribbles mild and wild articles on technology, business management, self improvement and wacky humor that get published on many reputed websites and syndicated through various RSS feeds around our planet. He has also published diverse books like Disaster Recovery & Business Continuity, Practical IT Service Management, Corporate Wardrobe-Business Humor Series and Life-365-A Year's Supply of Wisdom, Tips & Advice. Visit his web cave www.thejendra.com for his free articles and details of his books.
